Martin, 19 years old:
My mother re-married just after I turned thirteen. I soon came to like my
stepfather very much. My mother suffered from bad nerves, and had been very
unstable, but he and I had an excellent relationship. Their marriage lasted only
five months. I was allowed to choose between living with him or with her and I
chose to live with him; I'm still living with him.
His ideas about bringing up a child were quite different from those of my mother. He believed that an immediate spanking was all right and settled everything. I agreed with him and still do. Besides, it used to stir up my hormones a little. There was always a streak of sadomasochism in me.
Fourteen days after my mother left us I was to be spanked for something that I had done. I think I'd probably earned it. It was certainly no pretext on his side.
When I pulled my trousers down, my cock was stiff. This, of course, he noticed; it made quite an impression on him, for when I had got what was coming to me, he embraced me and hugged me, and a few minutes later all our clothes were off and we were having sex in every possible way.
It was wonderful. From then on we've had sex together, but not connected with punishment. These two things were kept separate. Still, he is a very good father. Even if he spoils me a bit at times, he doesn't back down on his demands on me, for example, that I should be home at an appointed hour. He's the boss at home, which is only right since he's 19 years older than I am.
The day after our first sex, the initiative came from me, not him. He didn't want to force me to do anything in sex.
He has quite deliberately taught me that I shouldn't sleep just with him. I should have experiences with others, and with girls, too. This has worked out just fine; sometimes he'll take a girl as well. But I consider him my best sexual partner. He is still a young man at 38. And handsome.
We did every kind of sex right from the start - not just jerking each other off with our hands, but doing it from the front, and from behind and all such things. The first time he penetrated me I was only 13 so he had to be very careful, but after a few minutes it began to feel just very nice.
I haven't the slightest idea how common such relations are. We began when it was very much against the law, and so I never breathed a word about it to my friends.
When I started to have sex with girls I realised how much I'd profited from what I'd learned. I was 16 when I first had sexual intercourse with a girl. She thought I was an old hand at it; it seemed like I'd done it many times before. I wasn't afraid of touching the various parts of her body.
What was it that made you initiate relations with him?
It was sheer luck. We were two people in perfect harmony.
What kind of need was satisfied by doing this with him?
The need to have physical contact with an adult. If I had tried that with a girl my own age, neither of us would have been mature enough to provide it. My life up until then had been rather troubled and insecure; we kept moving from home to home; my mother had a lot of short-term relationships. What I was desperately looking for was somebody who liked me, in every way. After we had sex for the first time I realised that was what I had been looking for and longing for ever since he had come to live with us, because I had been taking every chance I had to be alone with him - naked in the bathroom etc., etc.
Did he have the same feelings for you?
He has told me he had a lot of internal conflict during that time. Although he liked my mother enormously, he was quite interested in sex with me.
Had he had relations with other adults or with boys?
Not with adult men, but there had been some other youngsters.
He's not interested in adult men?
If it's somebody his own age, it must be a woman.
And little girls?
I don't think he's interested in them, not in minors. And if it weren't for the fact that our relationship has been going on for several years, I don't think he would be interested in me any longer. We have slowly grown older together. We get on well with one another and we experiment with different things. But he might get interested when he meets a 15-year-old boy.
And how about you and women?
That can be fantastically wonderful. Last winter I had an affair with a girl for
some months; we went to bed together a lot. Now we are more like just friends,
but we occasionally still want to have sex with each other.
But the sexual experiences I remember best are the ones I've had with my stepfather. You can be so relaxed doing it with someone older than yourself, someone who takes the lead. It's easier to let yourself go. I don't mean that I'm passive; it's just that it can be very nice when the other person takes the lead. I guess many people have the same feelings.
Was it first and foremost sex that you found so fascinating?
No, not just the sex. We weren't jumping out of our clothes and into bed all the time. Being together and going about our daily routines was also fine. Sex was the frosting on the cake. It helped create a feeling of intimacy; it made it possible to talk about all my feelings or crazy fantasies or problems at school, for example.
Wasn't he afraid your relationship might be discovered?
I don't think so. Even though I was still pretty much of a child when it began, I was aware of a lot of trust on his part. We also talked about things and made plans - for example, that I would sneak off to my room in a hurry if somebody rang the doorbell when we were making out on the sofa, but I don't think anybody knew anything. Everyone in the family thought he had a knack for taking care of me.
What do you think your mother would say if she knew?
She wouldn't accept it. So we are always careful. Somebody might want to hurt my stepfather.
Was not being able to talk about it to others a burden for you?
Not really. It's so good to be together. We have something good for us both, entirely for ourselves.
Have there been times when you didn't want to go to bed with him?
Not as far as I can remember. But if I was dead tired or had a headache, he would understand. During those first years I craved sex. It was so new. The only way I'd been able to satisfy myself before was by masturbating, and so it was a great thrill to be able to have sex with somebody else as often as I could.
Do you still consider yourself gay?
No. I can confidently say I'm bisexual. I can have enormous pleasure in sex with a girl.
Did you ever have feelings of attraction towards men before you got to know your stepfather?
Yes, I think so. At that time I was very much interested in coming into contact with real men. At swimming pools and such places I often thought, "What a handsome fellow - I wish I could get to know him a little better!" I didn't stand there hoping he would actually tear my clothes off and fuck me, but something like that was going through my unconscious head.
You were very dependent on your stepfather. The chance of your successfully resisting him if you didn't want to be seduced was rather small.
I could have gone and lived with my mother if I had wanted to, but this never crossed my mind. I have never regretted that I chose to live with him.
Could you ever have been interested in a relationship with somebody outside your home?
Perhaps a gym teacher or a sports trainer, someone I met in some natural way, but it could never be as close a relationship as you have with somebody you're living with in the same house.
Were you jealous when he went out with women?
Sometimes in the beginning, but we talked it out and I could see it was stupid to be jealous. When I was sixteen he encouraged me to have relations with girls.
You still keep your relationship with your stepfather secret?
It could still get him in a lot of trouble if it came out. Many people are convinced that you can be seduced into becoming gay, and somebody would certainly say his seduction was responsible for me adopting a bad sexual life-style. But he most certainly didn't do that! He initiated me into exactly what was right for me. I can see this now. It is only because it fitted me so perfectly that our relationship has been able to last for so many years. I don't believe you can change people very much. You can show them some of the possibilities, open things up to them that otherwise might never have come to the surface.